A few weeks ago, I saw a tweet (now deleted and long gone) stating that parents don’t need to teach their kids to share. I can’t remember the exact wording, but the reasoning was something along the lines of, “As adults, we aren’t forced or expected to share our things, so why should we ask our kids to do the same?” The thought sparked something of a debate, with many people saying this was incorrect, and others agreeing wholeheartedly.
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This isn’t the first time I’ve seen a heated conversation on social media about sharing. The idea that kids should be taught that they don’t need to share seems to align with some gentle parenting advice, and I’ve seen experts argue that requiring kids to share can foster resentment, teach kids that boundaries don’t matter, and disrupt important forms of play they’re engaged in. I’m generally a gentle parenting proponent myself, but as the mom of two toddlers, I can’t get behind the idea that sharing is not a necessary skill. RELATED STORYHow To Talk to Your Kids About Climate Change — & Why You Have To
Personally, it’s important to me that my daughters, both of whom are under the age of 5, learn how to share their toys and their things. If the argument is that adults don’t need to share, I don’t agree: even as a 30-something mom, I’m sharing constantly — whether it’s lending a family member my car if needed, sharing my time by doing something for someone else, or giving my kids the majority of the food on my plate even though they claimed they weren’t hungry. If the reasoning is that kids feel annoyed or upset because they need to share a toy, I believe that it’s important for kids to learn how to deal with uncomfortable emotions like that, especially since many teachers and schools push sharing a lot.
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I also believe that sharing is an important part of learning how to function socially, a stance that experts agree with. Melissa Tract, licensed clinical social worker (LCSW) and child psychotherapist of Mindful with Mel, says, “The idea behind teaching sharing is to understand awareness around oneself and another person so that you can be willing to give and be open to them having some of whatever it is you have too. This is a social way of being and behaving in the world. In my opinion, it paves the way for many other important ways of interacting with peers moving forward.”
That being said, I can also understand some of the arguments against forcing kids to share. Some say that they don’t force sharing because they are trying to teach their kids boundaries; that it’s important that you don’t always have to give in to what someone else wants, and that it’s okay to say no. “If you force a kid to share every single thing equally, you teach a child that there is equal value to their most prized possession to their least prized possession, and that they’re not allowed to put boundaries around their most prized possession being used by others,” explains Jessica Yost Bloom, licensed clinical professional counselor (LCPC), registered play therapist supervisor (RPT-S) of In Bloom Counseling.
Teaching kids how to advocate for themselves and put up boundaries is incredibly important. However, I also think it’s possible to teach kids how to do this and to teach them how to share. There’s a middle ground between saying, “kids don’t need to share” and “kids need to share everything,” and, for me, that’s what I want to teach my daughters. RELATED STORYHow To Talk to Your Kids About Climate Change — & Why You Have To
“It’s important to recognize that participating in prosocial behaviors like sharing isn’t the same thing as suppressing your feelings for the comfort of others or as a result of a power differential,” Bloom says. “In fact, a large part of empathy is the resonance of feelings in others as separate from your own feelings, and can be used in a larger sense to discuss and teach consent.” According to Bloom, mutual consent is something that can be practiced when sharing, and teaching kids not to share means teaching them to prioritize their interests over the feelings of others, which can actually end up confusing their understanding of consent.
I’m not a parenting expert — just a mom trying to do what’s best for her kids — but for me, teaching my daughters how to set boundaries and how to share means having a lot of conversations about their feelings about sharing. I try to teach them that if they’re having a lot of fun with something and someone asks if they can have it, it’s okay to say things like, “I’m playing right now, but you can have it when I’m done.” At the same time, I try to teach them that they can’t just expect someone to hand over a toy the moment they want it. Tract also recommends teaching boundaries through modeling your own behavior, and I try to do this as well.
Another common argument against forcing kids to share is that it fosters resentment: that kids will only share because they’re being told to, not because they want to. I understand the general idea behind this, but at the same time, I mean, come on … it’s not often that kids feel the genuine urge to share their items, simply because they just don’t get that concept yet.
“Children will always temporarily resent anything that makes them feel disappointed,” Bloom says. “That doesn’t mean we should be trying to avoid that feeling. Without parental guidance, support, and boundaries, kids will pick the more enjoyable option, which can wire their brains towards intolerance for frustration or lack of resilience in the face of disappointment.” According to Bloom, this can also lean towards permissive parenting.
Again, I think teaching kids how to share also means teaching them how to deal with the uncomfortable feelings that come with sharing. That’s why finding a balanced middle ground is important, rather than encouraging the idea that they never need to share if they don’t want to. “Emotional regulation is a crucial skill in the world, so extreme thinking in one way or the other would not promote regulation but would promote a rigid belief, and that can lead to feeling overwhelmed or angry and not knowing what to do with it,” Tract notes.
At the end of the day, teaching a child to share helps them learn how to interact with others, how to deal with their emotions, and how to think about more than just what they might want. I never want my kids to think they have to share absolutely everything the moment someone asks for it, and I don’t want them to think they can never say no. I would never grab a toy out of their hands just because another child asked for it. But if I noticed they were refusing to share any of their toys during a playdate, I would pull them aside to encourage them to take turns.
Finding that middle ground is so important, as is having all the important conversations surrounding sharing. “The key is to teach both discernment and empathy to kids, which are crucial social skills that help children connect emotionally and appropriately to others,” Bloom says, which sums up a lot of where I’m coming from. Every parent can make their own choice about sharing — but for me, it’s always going to be something I want my kids to learn.
